


If You’re Reading This

by kaybohls



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Bittersweet Ending, Bring Wine, F/M, Forgive Me, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, House Plaidam, I Made Myself Cry, Ice Cream Needed, I’m so sorry, Military Families, Plaid Paramour, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey Solo, Sad with a Happy Ending, Tissue Warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 07:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19058491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/pseuds/kaybohls
Summary: Rey knew all about waiting. She’d done it all her life and was good at it. Waiting gave her time to let her mind wander past the boundaries of reality, and to think beyond the dreary day to day of her life and conjure up a dream of a fantastically ordinary life. One with a good man, a truck, and a sunrise over a cornfield in July. The waiting then was easy, every second blurred into infinity while she dreamed the day away. No one said that waiting for a Marine was going to be so much harder.





	If You’re Reading This

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DarkKnightDarkSide](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkKnightDarkSide/gifts).



> This work is for the amazing, DarkKnightDarkSide! Her prompt said she would love a fic based on an old school “tear jerker” country song with some sweet, sweet angst!
> 
> Girl.
> 
> I’ve got your angst in great supply right here, thanks to Tim McGraw. So, grab your ice cream, a box of tissues, and a bottle of wine...this one is a doozy and is a country song through and through. 
> 
> If you’re feeling brave...I made a playlist for this fic with all the best music to go with it, including the song it is based off of!
> 
> Pick your poison, either [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1237936816/playlist/2AqZ7T5UkE04rUdjeL4oyM?si=G5vqkW0aSVCPgMcp0xVeMg) or [Apple Music!](https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/if-youre-reading-this/pl.u-gxblv0xFPk7p4)
> 
> A HUUUUGE thank you to my amazing beta MyJediLife and CommanderCrouton for being the best kind of bad influence!!

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144005946@N02/47982308423/in/dateposted-public/)

 

Rey knew all about waiting. She’d done it all her life and was good at it. Waiting gave her time to let her mind wander past the boundaries of reality, and to think beyond the dreary day to day of her life and conjure up a dream of a fantastically ordinary life. One with a good man, a truck, and a sunrise over a cornfield in July. The waiting then was easy, every second blurred into infinity while she dreamed the day away. No one said that waiting for a Marine was going to be so much harder. 

Now, her waiting was anchored in the present, being held with a firm hand by Rey as she silently willed it to stay within her reach and not run away to every terrible thought imaginable. She sat with her feet tucked under her legs, her shoulder leaning against the back cushion of her couch so she could watch out the window. Running her thumb across the screen of her cell phone, she lit up the screen to check for something…anything…an email, message, or even a garbled voicemail that slipped through the twists and turns of hyperspace to get to her. 

Nothing.

She furiously turned the volume all the way up further than it could go, just in case, and pressed the rainbow photo icon on her screen to flip through the images. Pausing on a fuzzy video chat screenshot of his wide, goofy grin, hamming it up for the camera because he knew it would make her laugh. He was right, of course, but she couldn’t help but tease him.

“You know, while I love your smile, you didn’t need to make a silly face to make me smile…you already have those ears.”

“Shut up, you love them,” he had pouted at her with a puppy-dog like downturn of his head.

Rey was helpless to him and the way his eyes smiled when the rest of his face was stern, even through the lens of an iPhone.

“You’re right. I do…” she giggled, “I miss you…”

He mashed his mouth into a thin line, shifting his chin from side to side in the way he always did before he was about to cry.

“I miss you too, sweetheart. Gods. I miss you so much.”

“Enough to tell me your little secret?” Rey pestered for the thousandth time.

“No.”

“Please?”

“Absolutely not. You sent me that sealed envelope and, babe…it’s still sealed and it’s staying sealed. If you wanted to know, you shouldn’t have sent it to me. I’m like a fucking vault.”

“Pretty…pretty…pretty please?”

“Do you really want to know?” he reached into the front Velcro pocket of his green and brown uniform and pulled out a worn envelope and a tattered picture.

“You still carry that old thing around?”

“It’s of the night we met, you bet your ass I’m going to keep it with me at all times. It’s my lucky charm.”

“You don’t need a lucky charm. Don’t change the subject…. _what’s in the envelope?_ ”

The corners of his mouth pulled up at the edges, crinkling the corners of his eyes as he stuck his thumb in the open seam of the envelope and ripped it - through the white paper that had gone dark around the edges from the sand. He unfolded the sheet inside, his smile melting away slowly as he read his way down whatever was on the other side.

“What is it? Tell me!”

Rey let out a soft gasp when his eyes began to shine with tears and he clasped his wide palm over his mouth. He scrubbed at his face with his hand to try and get a handle on the sudden surge of emotions he was feeling so he wouldn’t cry in a room full of twenty other guys.

Lifting his eyes, he opened his mouth…and then it stayed that way, the picture blurring and the raucous sound of a room full of marines became more and more garbled.

“Hey! I can’t hear you, love! Hello?”

“Rey, can you-“ the sound of his voice slipped through for a split second, “-amn it, I -ink I’m -osing you…”

“What? I can barely hear you!”

“-ove you!”

The screen went dark with three distinct beeps as the call dropped. Rey let out a deep sigh and clutched her phone to her chest as she tried to prevent herself from chucking her phone across the room. It wasn’t his fault that the internet in Iraq was shit…at least it was longer than their last phone call…

It had been eight days since the garbled end of their phone call, and all Rey had now was that screenshot and the waiting. 

Rey rest her chin on her forearms and watched out the window, trying with all her might to squash the thoughts that threatened to run away with her. He’s okay. She’s going to get an email any second. Any second now….she lifted her phone one more time to light up the screen…still nothing. 

She let out an exasperated groan and flopped back onto the throw pillows. A distraction. That’s what she needed…something else to think about that was as far away from the roiling fear that threatened to seep in and drown her from the inside. 

There wasn’t any time for that crap. It was time to busy herself, get out of the house. She threw her bag over her shoulder and blindly pulled her keys from the bottom, checking her phone just _one more time_ before she stepped out the door.

A soft, late summer wind caressed her face as she stepped out her back door and strode over the short concrete sidewalk to the 1977 Chevy Falcon waiting on the back curve of the gravel driveway. She’d inherited the old racing truck by marriage and, while it wasn’t anything impressive on the outside - with it’s worn silver and blue racing stripes - someone once told her:

_She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid._

With a jingle of the keys, Rey popped open the stiff door and pulled herself behind the steering wheel. She stuck the key into the ignition and turned it with a silent prayer. Breathing a sigh of relief, Rey grinned when the old girl started up with a deep grumble.

Pressing her foot to the brake, Rey put the old truck into gear and started down the long, gravel driveway to the country road that would take her into town. She reached down and gently turned the volume knob on the radio and let out a soft gasp.

She really shouldn’t be allowed to listen to the radio…the plethora of emotions she was experiencing on a day to day basis were always bound to spill over at any type of song that came over the radio…happy, sad…all of them made her think about him. It happened over and over, but Rey was stubborn and was never willing to give up in a fight. Even if she couldn’t see the road through the tears that began to fall over her lashes as Tim McGraw and Faith Hill serenaded each other through the crackling speakers of the old pick up.

_It’s your love, it just does something to me…it sends a shock right through me, I can’t get enough. And if you wonder about the spell I’m under, it’s your love._

Leaning against the doorframe as she drove along the long road to town, a gravel lined path that split a seam in through a mammoth cornfield, Rey couldn’t help but try and keep herself positive. She had to. 

As she turned the corner of the main road that led into town, a smile pulled at the corners of her mouth as the old pickup thundered past the Endor County Fair coming together piece by piece. It would only be a matter of days before the carnival was in full swing, and a select few lucky young couples would have a night that would change their life forever. 

*  
_Five years earlier_

Rey fiddled with the red paper ticket in her hand and stared up to try and see the very top of the myriad of colors that flashed and flickered around the Ferris wheel in a dizzying blur. The county fair was a noisy place, maybe even the noisiest place she’d ever been, but the combination of the rides, the games with the laughably large stuffed animals, and the intertwined voices of the crowd blended into a heady combination. Rey wanted to swim in it, the sight of giant towers of cotton candy on every other food booth, the occasional chorus of happy screams that would pierce the air, and the gloriously beautiful smell of frying elephant ears wafting around her. 

 

The line she waited in surged forward slowly, bringing her ever closer to her turn on the old school ride with an endless array of candy colored benches for each passenger to sit in. Her stomach somersaulted as she took a wide step forward and found herself at the front of the line. She eyed the carney who held the only thing barring her from the ride with a leather like hand. 

Rey couldn’t put her finger on it, but it felt like this ride would mean something, some amazing thing that was carried on the warm flood of a good feeling. Intuition. Fate. It didn’t matter what you called it, she just *knew* that something…something *BIG* was headed her way. 

The carney gave her a cigarette and sun weathered smile, swinging the gate open and snatching her ticket out of her waiting fingers. Rey excitedly stepped forward and slid into the waiting seat, pulling down the lap bar with dizzying anticipation,

“Ayy, numb nuts, no single riders, you can’t let her ride by herself!” a man who appeared to be a supervisor of some sort was pointing his finger directly at her while shouting at the the waiting line, “Who wants to ride with this Lonely Lucy? Any takers? Anybody?”

Rey felt a heated flush climb up her cheeks, growing more and more mortified by the second as the eyes of, what seemed like was the whole of Endor County, turned to stare directly at her. She wanted nothing more than to slide down into her oversized jean jacket and _never_ come out, when an unexpected deep voice rang out like a distant rumble of thunder of a summer storm.

“I’m in.”

Rey could hardly believe her eyes when she looked up and saw the impossibly good looking stranger who ambled towards her. The man was tall, easily a clear head taller than what most people would consider tall. Somehow, he was the opposite of lanky, with a bulk of lean, corded muscle that she could see bend and move beneath his shirt. He had an unusual stride, with a long, loping gait that carried him swiftly to her side with what Rey could only describe as a swagger. Yeah. If swagger was a thing, this guy had it, even if it was on accident. 

He carded his long fingers through an envious mass of dark waves that was just a breath from touching the collar of his red flannel button down.

The operator of the Ferris wheel unlocked the lap bar and lifted it to let her social savior slide into the seat next to her. She quietly held her breath as the safety bar clicked closed and the ride resumed it’s forward motion. The silver bench they shared wobbled and rolled as they were hoisted into the air, shifting them closer together. Her breath hitched when his leg brushed up against hers and he didn’t pull away. She lifted her eyes to quietly inspect his face and try to memorize every beauty mark, and the elegant angle of his aquiline nose and delicate vertical creases in his plush lips…this ride was a magic moment, and one she’d tuck away to live amongst her collection of “maybe happy ending” memories. 

His eyes shifted to meet her lingering gaze, pulling an amused smile from the corners of his mouth.

“Hi.”

Rey let out some noise that was somewhere between a laugh and an alarmed squeak.

“Hey. I…uh, thank you. Thanks for saving me back there. You never quite feel as alone as a single person at a carnival,” Rey mumbled, nervously rolling the hem of her sundress between her fingers.

“Well, you’re not alone anymore, are you?” He grinned, lifting his palm out towards her, “I’m Ben.”

“Rey.”

His smile slowly grew, as the bright swirls of amber in his dark eyes glittered when she slid her hand into his and he gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Nice to meet you….Rey…” 

A million butterflies fluttered in her chest, and Rey was lost to him right away. After a few spins on the Ferris wheel, they somehow got stuck at the very top, allowing them ten blissful minutes when they lost themselves in conversation that was as easy as breathing. She had got so wrapped up in the thrilling moment of his leg pressed against hers, and the warm, late-summer breeze that fluttered her chestnut hair around her shoulders as they looked out over the glittering carnival from the top of the world, that Rey couldn’t help but feel a lance of disappointment when the wheel turned and they were brought back down to earth. 

The operator lifted the metal bar from their laps, and Rey lingered for an instant before lifting her gaze to see his hand extended out towards her with a smile. 

Hands tangled together like it was the most natural thing in the world, they strolled down the midway while Rey casually pulled delicate strands of spun sugar from a cloud that dissolved on her tongue. As the time ticked by and their smiles grew wider, Rey looked up at him as he held a massive teddy bear under his arm…it was then that she knew that something momentous had happened that would shift her world in a way she’d never be able to imagine. 

Ben easily met her smile with a wide one of his own, tilting his head to the side to give her a thoughtful stare.

“Fair’s about to close down….do you want to get out of here?”

She looked into his eyes, and was overwhelmed by a resolute feeling that this was her future…say yes and see what Fate had in store for her and this impossibly perfect stranger. Sliding her palm into his, Rey felt a surge of delicious electricity tingle up her arm and knew it was the calling card of a great adventure. She was on the precipice, standing on the edge of the path that would lead her to what could be the rest of her life. What other choice did she have but to jump?

He led her to an old Chevy that had seen better days. When Rey looked at him suspiciously, Ben grinned as he opened the passenger door for her.

“She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”

It turned out that the pickup had been previously owned by his dad, who’d made a name for himself racing what he dubbed as “The Falcon” on dirt roads in the boonies - until he met and married the mayor’s daughter and joined the Marine Corps. Ben regaled her with stories of his dad and the pieces of distant cultures he’d bring home from each deployment. 

“Did you ever want to be like him?”

“What, join up?”

“Yeah.”

Ben carded his hand through his hair while he drove them down a dark, back-country road with his long fingers curled casually over the top point of the steering wheel.

“I mean…yeah, I suppose I have. I resisted it hard when I was younger and pushed back when anyone suggested that I follow in his footsteps. I think, for a while…especially when I was a teenager, I felt angry at him for never being around. The Marines were more important than us,” he drawled thoughtfully.

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Rey pressed, reaching out to let her fingers linger on the red and blue flannel of his sleeve, “It couldn’t have been easy…I’m sorry…”

“It was our life, I know that now that I’m older. I understand it, and I understand him better. So…I suppose I’ve thought about it from time to time. It feels like this…I don’t know, it sounds crazy to me…”

“Try me,” Rey mused.

Ben let out a soft chuckle and shook his head.

“Only if you promise not to freak out…”

“I swear.”

He pulled the steering wheel to the left, sending the truck slowly veering towards a gravel side road. The seats wobbled and shook over the terrain, until he slowly stopped beneath a towering oak tree in the middle of a wide, grassy field. 

Shoving the door open with his shoulder, Ben pivoted from his seat and ambled around to the passenger side to open her door with a gentlemanly smile that made Rey feel weak. He took her hand into his and gave her a gentle tug from her seat with a smile.

“Do you….do you ever feel like your life has been planned out for you? That you’re just spending your life moving from moment to moment and waiting for the next big thing?”

“You mean, like Fate?”

“Exactly, exactly!” Ben said animatedly, “I…I don’t know how to explain it, but, I didn’t have _any_ plans to go to the fair tonight. I don’t ride rides, I don’t do crowds. But, when I drove by tonight, it was like something _pulled_ me in and made me go. I bought a ticket and everything and then….” he paused, looking down at her with a thoughtful look in his eyes.

“And then what?” Rey murmured breathlessly.

“Then I saw you. Sitting there all alone…adorably pathetic…”

“Hey!” Rey punched his chest and stumbled, falling into his arms that circled around her in an instant. They effortlessly fell into step, gently swaying from side to side as the radio played out from the cab of the old Chevy. Lost to each other and the spell they found themselves caught in, Ben and Rey stayed ensconced in each other’s arms until the delicate bands of the early morning light stretched out from the horizon. 

She lifted her head from his shoulder and brought her gaze to meet his as the sun bathed them in a glimmering masterpiece of copper and blue. Her breath hitched in her throat as Ben tucked his warm hand into her hair and slowly lifted her chin to bring his mouth to hers in a kiss that was as light as air. It was steeped in hope and the promise of something more…the start of the greatest adventure. 

*

Rey found herself traveling down that same dirt road, letting the memories she’d had there pull her like an emotional anchor. She hoped that being in their place, the home to so many of their most important moments, would provide her with a sense of peace inside the tumultuous cloud of fear that swirled around her, threatening to give way at any moment…

She could do it. She could escape the hurricane of thoughts and a looming bad feeling that just wouldn’t go away. 

Rey pulled the Falcon up under the massive oak tree that bent and swayed in the late summer breeze and pushed open the driver’s side door to hop down onto the the grass-speckled gravel. She walked around the back of the old pickup and hoisted herself onto the tailgate as elegantly as she could - but probably looked comical more than anything else. 

She was good at waiting…she really was. Growing up in foster care made her practically built for it. Rey could weather a storm like nobody’s business, but this…this was something else. Her usual calm had been replaced with a dangerous drumbeat of idea, each one more worrying than the last. This wasn’t like them. Sure, they would go days without talking, but almost like clockwork, Ben would find *some way* to let her know that he was all right. Never had they gone this long without something…anything. 

She tried to busy herself the last few days with work, which worked for a little while, but now, on her day off, Rey had all the time in the world to let her mind wander. 

Leaning back to stretch out along the bed of the truck, Rey closed her eyes and tried to lose herself to the feeling of the warm breeze on her face and the sound of the leaves bending and moving in the wind, and be centered in the middle of the warm cocoon of peace while she waited for her phone to ring. 

Rey wondered if she thought about it hard enough, if she could transport herself into the beautiful memories that anchored her, and relive some of the biggest moments of their life. The corners of her mouth pulled up into a smile as she pictured a moment three years ago.

 

*

_Meet me at our tree. Got big news, kid._

Rey leaned on the parts counter of Corellia Auto Repair, blue coveralls rolled to her elbows, scrolling through the messages on her phone while she was between jobs. Her brows creased together as she thought - what on earth would Ben have big news about?

It had been a mostly blissful two years since that fateful night when he’d rescued her from a lonesome ride on a Ferris wheel during the Endor County fair, striding out of the crowd like a dark knight from a fairy tale. They fell hard and fast, like shooting stars falling to earth in a scorching blaze. It was only six months until they moved in together. 

They fell into a routine that was as easy as breathing, and Rey frequently found herself absorbed by the feeling of love that played in his subtle, crooked grin and the affection of his gaze. It was comfortable and real and right, and gave Rey a feeling that she longed to sail upon until she was old and grey. 

When the clocked rolled over 4 pm, Rey shirked the greasy coveralls from her shoulders and let her hair fall loose around her shoulders, letting the excited feeling tumble in her stomach as she hopped on her bicycle and rode towards that wide-open field out on the edge of town. 

The early summer air fluttered the edge of her yellow sundress, making it almost feel like she was flying as she propelled herself down the road. 

It wasn’t long before she leaned to turn down the telltale gravel road, and instantly felt the grin spread across her face when she saw their tree in the center of the field. She hopped down from her bike and easily planted her foot against the bark on the trunk of the giant oak tree to hoist herself onto the low hanging branch.

She knew she wouldn’t have to wait for long, and opted to relax in the shade with her current favorite fan fiction to keep her company on her phone. 

It didn’t take long before the familiar rumble of her favorite old pickup and the crunch of gravel under tires drew her attention away from her reading. 

She looked out over the field, feeling her grin instantly spread over her face when she saw the cloud of dust billowing out behind the truck, absorbed in the excitement building in her chest to see the driver of the truck and the big news he had to share. 

Ben pulled the truck up under the branches of the tree, and Rey hopped down from her branch right away to jog up to the driver’s side door to meet him. 

When the door swung open and she saw his wide smile, her heart dropped to her knees.

“Your hair…” she gulped.

“Yeah?” Ben grinned.

“Your hair…” Rey reached up and traced her fingers across the freshly trimmed hair that used to be long and luscious and practically begged her fingers to get tangled within it, “It’s gone…I don’t understand…”

“I did it, kid. I joined.”

Rey slowly blinked up at him, letting the information sink in like water in the pot of a thirsty plant, letting it seep through her entire body before being able to comprehend.

“You did… _what?_ ”

“I leave for San Diego in three weeks,” he stood nervously in front of her, fiddling with the curve of his exposed ear and waited for her to say something.

He did it. They’d talked about it here and there, but Rey was never sure he’d ever have it figured out. Rey’s heart stuttered in her chest, as everything that would happen moving forward flashed in front of her eyes. He was leaving, just like that. She’d blink and he’d be gone, off on an adventure somewhere without her.

“What happens after that? What happens with us?” Rey murmured, toeing the gravel with the toe of her converse. Ben didn’t let a single moment slip by before tucking his wide and warm palm under her chin, lifting her gaze to meet his.

“What happens next with us is,” he paused for a split second as the ghost of a smile tugged at the corner of his plush mouth, “You marry me.”

*

Rey laid with her phone laid against her chest, ankles crossed casually as the beams of sunlight dripped through the canopy of the mammoth oak tree she was tucked under. She lifted her hands skyward, absentmindedly twirling the pair of rings on the third finger of her left hand. The light caught off the diamond center, flaring and fracturing into a million pieces across her face. 

Before him, she had never thought about having any sort of eternity with a person. She never got the point of getting close to someone because, more often than not, they’d always end up leaving someday. Ben was made of some sort of blessed fusion of all the best men she’d ever known. He made her happy. He made her brave. Brave enough to take his hand and take his name. 

Four months later, autumn arrived and brought with it the artistic beauty that only Mother Nature could paint, setting the world on fire with a palette of golds and ruby reds. When all green of the trees had faded to sepia tone, under the splendid titian backdrops of their great oak tree with flowers in her hair, they bound themselves together. 

_I take you, just as you are. I will love you when we are apart as well as when we are together. I will love and cherish you at all times. In all circumstances, I will value and respect you for the person you are, and who you are to me. Every moment we are apart, trust that I am thinking of you and counting the moments till we can be back together again._

_Because of you, I laugh, I smile and I dare to dream more than I ever have. Thank you for the miracle of you. You are, and always will be, the love of my life. My soulmate, my person._

With a jolt, Rey was snatched from the beautifully vivid memory when her phone began to ring…loudly. 

_Finally._

She sat up as quickly as she could, trying to keep the blood from rushing straight to her head while she smashed the green answer button and breathlessly murmured,

“Hello?”

“Hey Peanut.”

Rey felt like she deflated, every ounce of the happy feeling she’d been trying to fill herself with evaporating like a drop of water on a hot summer sidewalk.

“Hey Finn…” she uncrossed her ankles and trailed a ribbon of her chestnut hair through her fingers.

“Well jeez, don’t sound so excited to hear from me.”

“I’m sorry,” she hummed, looking out over the sun that was beginning to sink towards the horizon, and blinking back the sting of her disappointed tears from her eyes.

“Not who you were expecting?”

“You know who I was waiting to hear from…”

“How long has it been?”

“Too long. Nine days, almost. Finn…I can’t…what if?” Rey sniffed, her tears overflowing down her face with a single blink of her eyelashes.

“Oh, no no no no, Peanut, you can’t think like that. Do you hear me?”

“I’m trying, Finn. I swear.”

“Try harder. They need you, don’t give up hope yet,” Finn pressed, hiding the alarm in his voice behind a gentle façade, “Do you promise?”

Rey sniffed and reached up to smear the salty tracks of her tears with the back of her hand. He was right, as usual. No news was good news. He was okay. He’d call.

“I promise.”

“Okay, good. You go home and put those feet up. Get some rest. Rose and I will come over in the morning and make you breakfast. We’ll have mimosas and distract you while we wait for that phone call,” he laughed into her ear. Rey couldn’t help but smile through her fear, knowing that she was in such good hands with her best friend slash sort of brother.

“Just orange juice for me, but thanks,” she giggled, giving her head a gentle shake of amusement, “You’re right. I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

“Okay. I love you, Peanut. You hang in there, ‘kay?”

“Okay. I love you too,” with a faraway smile, she tucked her phone into her palm and slid herself off the end of the light blue tailgate, landing in the dirt with a quiet grunt. Just a few moments later, she was well on her way with the orange painted sky burning at her back. 

That evening, Rey’s whole body ached, her lack of good sleep pushing her towards exhaustion at a concerning pace. With his low voice in the back of her mind, she ambled up the stairs and strolled straight into the small walk in closet. With an effortless synchronicity, Rey simultaneously pulled one of Ben’s tees from a hanger, and pulled her own over her head. She toed her sneakers off her feet and shimmied her jeans down to her ankles, pulling the downy fabric of his shirt over her head to land at her hips.

The mattress bent under her weight as she slid her legs beneath the downy softness of their bed. It felt empty without him next to her, acting as a human furnace and filling the entire room with a wondrous warmth. It was so much colder and quieter since he’d been away. Missing him filled her with an ache that ebbed and flowed like ocean waves on the shore. Sometimes they were calm when the tide went out, and other times they came noisily crashing down during quiet moments. 

Rey reached out and gripped the downy curve of his pillow, pulling it to her chest and nuzzling her nose deep into the soft fabric. Taking a deep breath, Rey sighed into the silence as she took in his scent. She let it seep into her, and if she closed her eyes and wished hard enough, it almost felt like he was there. Sometimes, she’d worry that one night she would use up everything that was left. It made her feel that she should seal it in a bag and preserve it for the rest of forever. 

She remembered their last night together before he left, tenderly making love in the soft silver beams of moonlight that poured through their window. Two bodies coming together, caught in a divine spell. Worshipping each other’s bodies and communicating where words hopelessly failed.

Running her hands down her body, she imagined Ben’s there instead of her, filling her with a delicious, familiar warmth as he wrapped his arms around her waist. Rey drew them over the wide curve of her growing belly, instantly feeling a soft smile pull up at the corners of her mouth when her touch was met by a soft _bump_ against her hand.

That last night, Ben had tenderly traced his fingers over her flat abdomen, whispering so quietly to the little bean inside that she could hardly hear. She softly ran her fingers over his cropped hair, trailing a path down the curve of his ear as they held each other in the dimming light.

Rey tried to stay in the moment and focus on the feeling of his cheek pressed against her chest, the rest of his long body tangled with her legs. His deep voice rumbled deeply in his chest and against the spot where her hip was pressed against him as he discussed the entire galaxy with their baby.

“Hey Starshine, it’s your dad. This is the last time you’re going to hear from me for a while. Take care of your mom, okay? Make sure she stays out of trouble, and gets out of the house once in a while. Tell her to go to our place and show you our tree and when I come home, I’ll be there with you too. I love you,” Rey’s eyes shone as Ben pressed a kiss against the golden flesh beneath her belly button. She could stay here forever, lovingly tucked in the corner of this moment, but all she could think was,

_Don’t go._

Late that night, desperate for sleep, Rey pictured an island. She craved that shore, laid flat and endless across the horizon. That water washed ashore in a steady rhythm, like the rise and fall of her breath, taking her away to drift across the water into the infinity of sleep. 

The tiny human growing in her belly, and her empty bed, would pull her back to reality over and over, yanking her from the radiant dreams in her mind. Dreams where he was there with her, laying in the incandescent ocean of moonlight with his heavy arms wrapped around her.

Rey ran her palms across her belly, pulling the soft fabric of Ben’s shirt taut over the wide curve of it.

“Shh, Starshine. Go to sleep, _please,_ ” she murmured into the starlight, lovingly caressing the life tucked safely inside her, “Let’s be awake together in the daytime, shall we?” She thoughtfully rested her palms against the widest point, imagining with a sigh that perhaps this little thing knew that she needed some company…that she needed comfort in the deadly silence of the night…something that would give her just a sliver of joy. 

She’d never pictured herself being a mother. There was something built into her, from when she was little, that all she could do was wish for a mother. Rey didn’t know anything about _being_ a mother. All she knew she would do was try to be the mother she _wished_ she had.

Ben was an entirely different story. Rey had known from the beginning that Ben was meant to be a dad, and that he would love their child more than anyone had ever loved a living thing. He’d sacrifice everything, do anything. He would stop the blinding gales of a hurricane and replace them with a gentle summer breeze if he had to because, more than anything, it was his baby and he loved them with a force that was mightier than the wind. 

Only a couple weeks prior, Rey had laid on a paper-covered exam table in the dark, and held her phone up to watch the ultrasound screen by her side. No matter how badly she wanted to see the scan for herself, she instead found herself completely enraptured with the look on Ben’s face as he breathlessly watched from the other side of the world. Fat, glittering tears slid down his long nose in quick succession as he murmured his amazement over and over. 

Rey finally met him with tears of her own when the unwavering beating _whoosh_ of a heartbeat coming from the ultrasound machine filled their ears. It astonished her every time she heard it. This amazing symbol of love that beat inside every person was there inside her. A love. A life. A simple heart and a pure soul.

In the morning when the soft slivers of early light began to trickle into her bedroom, Rey woke up to the warm and smoky aroma of bacon cooking floating up the stairs. She smiled, lazily stretching her arms over her head in the most cat-like way she could with her belly getting in the way. It was her favorite thing - when Ben woke up before her and sent the whole house swimming in the delicious smells of a homemade breakfast. With a slow smile, Rey closed her eyes, burrowing herself into the downy blanket and wondering what her beautiful husband had made for her and their Starshine that morning. 

Her eyes flashed open when she heard a familiar laugh echo up the stairwell.

It wasn’t him. He wasn’t home. 

As quickly as she could, Rey rolled to her bedside table and snatched her phone up into her palm. With a swipe of her thumb over the image of Ben’s smiling face, she unlocked the screen and devoured it with her eyes as she flipped from app to app to check for any sign of contact from him. There was nothing aside from a handful of junk emails and a single text from Finn.

_Coming over early. Bringing the virgin mimosas just for you and little Cletus._

Rey tucked her toes into the carpet with a forlorn smile…she was happy to see her best friend and grateful for the company, but it would be an outright lie to say she didn’t wish it was him downstairs waiting for her. Padding slowly with her aching hips, Rey stepped into the closet and tugged on her comfiest pair of feather-soft leggings over her hips and pulled on an oversized, olive drab hoodie with the letters _USMC_ emblazoned across the chest in black letters. 

She chuckled while she cuffed the too-long sleeves around her wrists. Ever since she and Ben were married, Rey had claimed the hoodie as her own, and it had always drowned her - but with each passing day, she noticed that the bottom half began to hug the widest curve of her growing belly. 

Her hormone-heightened sense of smell pulled her like a tether down the stairs, and around the corner to the kitchen at the back of the house. Finn was moving from side to side in the cozy space, flipping a piece of bacon there, buttering a slice of toast there. When she caught the corner of his eye, his face split into a wide grin.

“Hey Peanut!” Finn opened his arms with a smile that crinkled the corners of his dark eyes, “Mimosa?” 

Rey couldn’t help but laugh, stepping barefoot into the kitchen to instantly be swept up in his arms. The gesture itself was simple enough, but it filled her with much needed comfort and made her feel a little less alone in the world. 

The conversation between them was easy, and lifted Rey straight out of the gloom that was hanging over her head, letting her take her first full breath in days.

Tucked comfortably into the corner of the sofa and balancing a plate on her belly, Rey happily chatted away with him, talking about everything from sports, work, small town gossip, and the cute new engineer at his work.

“Really. You should ask her out. She sounds amazing,” Rey pressed, pushing at his arm with her toes, “Rose, was it?”

She could see how he hid behind his smile, unexpectedly bashful as she pried more information about this girl from him.

“Did you see the finale of that dragon show? I thought it was shit…”

“Don’t change the subject. I need to know more. I’m bored and lonely, and I need hot gossip to keep me distracted. Distract me, Finn!” Rey giggled, tearing off a bite of bacon from her precariously balanced plate.

The doorbell unexpectedly rang out from the front of the house, and, eager to not discuss the details of his crush any further with Rey, Finn jumped to his feet in a flash.

“I’ll get it! Don’t you worry your pretty little head, Peanut,” he laughed, strolling around the back of the sofa and out of sight to the front door. 

Rey leaned back with her head against the cushions, absorbed by the warm and content feeling she was enveloped in. She felt centered and at peace, and she was determined to soak in every single second of it before she slipped back into the worrying.

“I see how it is! You’ll tell me eventually, you be ready!”

The house was quiet with no snarky retort coming from Finn. Rey took a big bite of her perfectly browned toast and hollered down the hall with her mouth full.

“Who is it? Tell them to sod off so you can tell me all the juicy details!” 

Still nothing.

“Finn?” Rey swallowed, lifting her eyes to the doorway where her solemn-faced friend stepped into view. He took a shaky breath and held out his hand for her.

“I think you better come with me, Rey.”

As she stepped around the corner to the door, Rey’s eyes were instantly drawn to an unfamiliar black SUV parked in the gravel driveway. With a single, staggering breath, her dread owned her soul, pushing against her like an invisible wind to try and reverse her steps back to her happy little perch on the couch. She stopped in her tracks, her muscles tense, seizing up like rigor mortis when a pair of stone faced men standing in the doorway came into view. Dressed from head to toe in their dress blues, the men’s faces were solemn with their white covers tucked beneath their arms. 

“No,” she breathed, as the tremor of her hands began. Finn threaded his fingers through hers and tried to pull her from the spot she was glued to on the floor. Rey started to pull away, desperate to put space between her and the unavoidable, lifting her eyes to his, “No…no, no no….he’s not. Finn, I can’t…I don’t think I’ll survive…”

Finn tucked her arm through his and pulled her against his side, leaning down to murmur in her ear.

“I’ve got you. I’m not letting you go.”

Her dread threatened to drown her, the treacherous waves crashing ever closer with each passing second. No matter how much she wanted to, Rey couldn’t stop the oncoming tidal wave any more than she could stop the coming dawn. All she could do now was wait to be swept away.

“We have been informed that a Mrs. Rey Solo lives here. Is she present?”

“Yes. I’m Rey Solo,” she practically whispered into the wind as she struggled to get every syllable past her trembling mouth.

“Ma’am, I think it’s best if we speak privately…” the man pressed, shifting ever so slightly from his rigid posture.

“Just tell me.”

“Ma’am...”

“Say it. Please.”

As soon as the officer at her door started to speak, everything became fuzzy as her entire world was suddenly turned on its head. His words were muffled to her ears from the very first words - like a stun grenade had detonated at her feet. 

_Ma’am, the Commandant of the United States Marine Corps has asked me to express his deep regret…_

Her knees started to buckle beneath her under the weight of the words as the purpose of the officers at her door was suddenly and painfully clear. Rey blinked slowly as Finn steadfastly held her on her feet while a series of images began to furiously flash through her mind.

_…that your husband, Bennett, was killed in action…_

The world shifted around her as a searing lance of grief ripped half her soul away, sending hot tears coursing down her face and a mournful cry tearing from her throat.

_…outside Al Ashad, Iraq. The Commandant extends his deepest sympathy to you and your family in this tragic loss. The casualty assistance office will contact you within twenty-four hours._

Her anguish surged through with every shuddering breath, reaching higher peaks as the seconds ticked by into infinity, never adequately calmed by each ounce of late summer air she took in. The tears began to spill freely from her eyes as the image of his smile lingered behind them.

In a split second, the heavy realization that her life would go on, just without him, hit her like a ton of bricks, and time stopped completely. All sense of quiet coping was gone, and Rey sank to her knees as she started to fall to pieces. What was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to do this without him?

Rey was vaguely aware of the time slipping away as her world blurred around her. Her grief created an emptiness inside her heart, an all consuming nothingness that tore its claws into her soul and threatened to destroy her completely. The time bent and shifted around her while she stayed frozen, stuck forever in the moment when her entire world was decimated in the span of a single sentence. 

It was as simple as that. 

Rey found it amazing how something as uncomplicated as a word could wield such a foreboding weight. A weight that settled itself upon her shoulders, with nothing she could do to escape from underneath it. 

The time passed fluidly, like rain down a window during a storm. Trapped in the haze her consciousness became, Rey’s focus came in and out like the green light at the end of Daisy Buchanan’s East Egg dock. She held onto it like a life raft, lost in the the sound of his voice, the memory of his touch, and the feeling of his dark hair between her fingers. 

His voice. A voice. Someone making a phone call. His hands. Her hands. Trembling hands as they signed a stark-white piece of paperwork.

As the seconds blurred into hours, and then into days…Rey wasn’t sure exactly how much time had gone by…she was sure that just a few minutes prior, she was merely waiting for a phone call. Suddenly, she was wide awake and aware as she stood in a black dress on the wind-swept tarmac of the airport, watching while a flag-draped casket was reverently removed from the belly of the plane.

Her sorrow wore on her, like a heavy suit of armor that weighed her down, carving a hole in her heart that was the shape of him. It made her desperate to reach up and wipe away her non-existent trail of tears that want to fall, but couldn’t because the well had gone dry. 

She struggled to catch her breath as a team of seven Marines, dressed in their crisp dress blues…impeccable from their pure white covers to the crimson and gold stripes on their sleeves…stepped up to the plane in spellbinding synchronization. It was an odd sort of dance, dutiful and good as his fellow Marines…his brothers…honored his sacrifice by bringing him home to her.

With an almost gossamer distinction, they lifted Ben onto their shoulders, each supporting the other in order to hold him aloft and carry the weight of him in more ways than one. Together, they moved forward, step after purposeful step towards the waiting hearse where Rey stood waiting for him. 

The waiting. It felt like a vicious circle of her life…abiding by the rules Time and Fate set forth while she waited on baited breath for her life to begin. To get better. During those times, she’d envision a future that still awaited her. When she waited for Ben, she looked to the past…endlessly reliving their happiest moments in that wide-open field on the edge of town. But now…what else would there be to see, once the memories of the past became too difficult for her to see, and there was no future to imagine? 

As she watched the solemn faces of his brothers who carried him on their back, Rey blinked slowly and imagined a different sort of homecoming. The one they’d planned on. When he’d step out of the belly of a mammoth C-17 with his comrades. The smile on his face would be so wide as he purposely strode up to her and brought his mouth to hers in a kiss that was infused with every thought, every feeling, every infinitesimal sliver of love that they’d experienced in their time apart. Her heart would flutter nervously as he slowly bent down to cradle the tiny face of their baby in his laughably large palm. She’d lift her hand to his face, inspecting every crease and every sun-kissed beauty mark to memorize him all over again. 

With another idle blink, Rey’s tears broke free as she stepped forward and lifted her hand to place it upon the the flag that laid over his casket. A breathless sob broke free as she lowered her forehead to meet the silken fabric, crying openly as she cradled herself against the impossible barrier that now separated them. How many times had she seen photographs of the star-spangled caskets on the news, and how many times did she take for granted exactly what they meant?

To Ben, the flag was a symbol close to his heart, a constant reminder in the wind that he had been called upon to be brave, loving, protective and kind. To Rey, it suddenly meant so much more. 

A couple days later, Rey sat on the back porch of their home, hugging the triangular shape of a folded American flag against her swollen belly. Her heart seemed to be stuck in a permanent ache that bled so profusely, she could scarcely do anything beyond stare blankly out over the horizon. 

As she waited, hearing but not listening to the quiet din of the house full of guests at her back, Rey couldn’t feel the chill of the coming autumn nights creep up her bare legs beneath the black dress Leia had bought for her. She quietly jumped from time to time, blinking in the late rays of the sun. Every grinding tire on the gravel driveway, every door slam, any voice that was just a little too loud took her back in a flash to the sound of the twenty-one gun salute as Ben was laid to rest in his favorite place…under their tree in the open field out on the edge of town. 

Anything beyond the country quiet and the quiet symphony that was playing with the wind and the trees, drew her back into those excruciating moments. 

The moment when a lone bugler on a hill sounded off a series of twenty-four notes without accompaniment or embellishments, while his brothers in arms soberly held a salute to the corner of their eye until the air rang silent once again. 

The moment when, with pristine white gloves, a pair of them somberly folded the joined ribbons of crimson and white with it’s star-spangled blue, smoothing each additional fold in with honor and grace until it was tucked into a wide triangle.

The moment when a stony-faced Marine sank to his knees at her feet and held the lovingly folded flag out to her and murmured,

_On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service._

As she sat in the dimming daylight with that last piece of him tucked to her chest, Rey lost herself to the sight of the brilliantly painted sky. A fury of crimson and gold, brushing the expanse of darkening sky like the canvas of a priceless painting, provided the unforgettable background to the fluttering cape of red, white and blue above her. The breeze tugged at the fabric like it meant to strip it away from the pole and let it fly free. 

Rey jumped in her seat, clutching his flag to her chest as the screen door swung open suddenly and closed with a _bang_. She lifted her eyes, and met eyes that were so like his that it made her heart ache. 

Leia stepped around the front of Rey’s wicker rocking chair, letting her aging hands linger on her shoulder as she settled into the matching chair beside her. They sat quietly for a few minutes, everything so much softer than it was only a moments before. Rey parted her lips as she cleared her voice to speak for the first time that day.

“Where did everyone go?” she croaked softly. Leia looked at her with a heavy hearted smile.

“I sent them home, sweetheart. I think you’ve met your quota for the day,” the older woman pulled Rey’s hand from her firm grip around the bundle of red, white and blue and gave her hand a squeeze, “Plus, you have a date to keep with your husband.”

“A date? Leia…I…I don’t understand…”

The corners of Leia’s dark eyes began to crinkle as they twinkled with fresh tears.

“He…Ben…he sent me something to give to you in case…in case….but….he said to give it to you today,” she pulled a worn envelope with the red and blue taped edges of international mail and held it out to Rey like an offering. The younger woman blinked at her mother in law, someone who felt so much like she belonged to Rey and not just to Ben, her eyes flickering back and forth to the proffered envelope.

She lifted her fingers and hesitated with shaking hands as she reached out to take it in her hand. Leia offered her a kind smile, and stood up and tucked her palms against Rey’s freckled cheeks to press a soft kiss to her forehead before making her way back inside.

“Don’t…don’t you want to read it?”

Leia slowly pulled open the door with a creak, giving a simple shake of her head.

“I have my own. This is for the two of you.”

As Leia stepped inside and Rey was left deliriously alone with this ticking time bomb in her hands, she slowly pulled open the seam to remove the meticulously folded piece of lined paper inside. With trembling fingers, she unfolded the crisp paper and let her eyes rove over the strokes of his pen, seeing his personality behind the swirling lines and heavy punctuation marks. 

As soon as she read the first sentence, Rey’s eyes welled up with hot tears. She pressed her mouth into a shaky line, caging the flesh on the inside of her lips between her teeth to try and keep the sorrow in. Her silence was eerie as she read each word, wondering to herself how on earth was she supposed to mend a soul as damaged as hers when there was a piece missing? 

She wished that he was there, sitting precariously on the arm of the rocking chair with his heavy arm draped around her shoulder. He’d lean down and brush the featherlight touch of his impossibly kissable lips against her ear, reading the words one by one in the deep rumble of his voice. She would soak up every syllable and let him pour her full of his love with each one until she finally felt whole again.

_Sweetheart, my Rey of Sunshine,_

_If you’re reading this, my mom is there. It looks like I just got a one-way ticket over here. I wish more than anything that I could have just one more kiss, and feel how soft you are beneath my fingers. I wish we could go back to that first night when we first met and dance in the early morning light for all eternity._

_When I come home, I want you to lay me down in that field out on the edge of town, under our tree. It is where the greatest moments of our lives happened, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay. I’m in a better place, one that my mom had always prayed I would go. I know I’m home._

_Rey, I know if you’re reading this, that means that I won’t be there to see the birth of our little girl. I know you didn’t want to find out about this, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I hope she looks like you, I don’t think I would be okay up here in Heaven if our poor, sweet girl inherited my ears. I hope she fights like me. I hope that she loves as deeply as you do. I hope she stands up for the innocent and is GOOD._

_I’ve laid down my gun and hung up my boots, please tell Dad that I don’t regret following in his shoes._

_Baby, if you’re reading this, there’s going to come a day when you move on and find someone else…it’s okay. I hope you do. I will be here at Home, waiting for you underneath our tree._

_Forever._

_I love you,  
Ben x_

 

Rey read it over and over again, folding it up and tucking it in its envelope against the folded flag that had been placed on their dresser lovingly. As the time went by, the letter had been read and reread so many times that the ink was beginning to fade beneath the worn creases. 

Summer left, and Autumn came swiftly behind it, bringing with it the slow fate from vibrant greens to deep sepia, swirling on the wind as each leaf fell. The time went by painfully slow, ebbing to a tiny trickle. She found herself caught in its web, caught in an infinite loop of precious moments and memories. 

Rey’s heart ached as she watched him appear in front of her eyes over and over with each passing day. Rey saw him in every single ordinary, everyday moment. Ben’s arms wrapping around her to cradle her belly as it grew to an impossible size, hugging them both as he whispered to _”his girls.”_

She saw him on the late autumn nights, kneeling at the foot of their tree in the dirt as she traced the etched letters of his name emblazoned across granite. 

_I will sleep in peace until you come to me._

Rey saw him during sleepless nights, when she’d awaken in a cold sweat with fleeting images of a blinding bomb blast and sand raining down on their heads. She saw his face, resolute and strong, taking a shaky breath as he closed his eyes and whispered her name. 

Those were the hardest nights, imagining him in his final moments, knowing deep in her heart that he was thinking of them. Some nights, she didn’t know how she would be able to endure another nightmare…it was probably the price she had to pay for loving someone so deeply. 

After nearly all the leaves had fallen, and the tiniest of flurries began to fall before Thanksgiving, Rey remained in her fog, completely frozen in time as stayed with him in her thoughts. She felt his hand brushing her face instead of the wind, and his voice in her ear when the lingering thunderstorms had rumbled through. 

On the nineteenth of November, a day she wasn’t prepared for in any way, their daughter decided that her daddy’s birthday was the day she’d make her appearance in the world. She saw him there with her, imagining the moment she’d pictured in her mind from the moment she’d found out. 

As Finn and Leia held her hands and cheered her on, Rey rode the tumultuous waves of pain, and each time, she’d see the moment they became a family in her mind’s eye. His eyes would shine as he tucked the tiny thing against his chest, making him look so much larger than he could possibly be. He’d lift his hand and trail his long fingers against her downy cheek. Rey would never forget the picture of awe and love that was on his face as he held their baby to him and leaned down to press a delectable kiss to her soft cheek.

What happened in reality was so different and not at all what she imagined…until the moment when their baby was born. Rey held her against her chest, breathless and weeping the sweetest tears she’d ever know - when she didn’t think they would ever come back after the wells went dry. 

Rey’s world fell to pieces all over again, and the memory of all her pain melted away the first moment Bennette’s tiny, pink fingers curled around her pinky. She was surprisingly stoic for such a tiny thing that just went through a tumultuous ordeal, slowly opening her new eyes to gaze upon the voice she knew by heart.

“Hi sweet girl,” Rey whispered, smiling through her exhaustion while she trailed her fingers against the oh so soft black nest of curls on her little head. There he was. Like he wished he wouldn’t be but, in that moment, Rey couldn’t be more grateful. 

The time ticked on as it always did, only faster now than ever before. Rey felt like she blinked and suddenly the sleepless nights, alone with a crying baby had up and gone, only memories now. Suddenly, their baby had gone and was replaced by a toddler. 

Ben was still there, in the back of her mind, living a different version of what was happening before her eyes. In those glorious daydreams, he was still alive, slowly strolling behind Bennette as she toddled over the summertime grass. He wore an amused smile on his lips, lifting his eyes to wink at her as she contentedly watched them from a park bench. The little girl moved like she had hinged knees, wobbling back and forth until she toppled over onto her bottom. 

As soon as her tiny, pink fingers landed in the soft grass, Bennette lifted her dark eyes to her daddy, her round little face bending into a proud smile. Ben would sweep her up in his arms, eliciting a musical squeal from her as he curled his strong arms around her and peppered the faint freckles across her nose with soft kisses.

“You did it!! Look how far you walked, Starshine!! I am _so_ proud of you.” 

With a far-off smile and a leisurely blink, Rey smiled at their daughter as she toddled up to her mother with a oversized weed tucked into her pudgy palm. Bennette gave her a toothy grin, bending the lines around her eyes just right so that Ben smiled out at her. 

He might have been disappointed, but Rey couldn’t be happier that their little girl turned out to be raven haired, laughably serious at times, the funniest person in the room the rest of the time, and the keeper of his smile and his ears.

The time was precious, and just when Rey thought she finally had a handle on things at the rate that time was going by, it skipped on ahead like it was prone to do. Suddenly, she was so much older than she thought she’d be, with a collection of delicate lines around her eyes that had grown in number over the years. 

She’d imagined a lifetime with Ben as she watched their daughter grow up without him, seeing him in every single ordinary moment of their extraordinary life. They’d gone to play in the shade of their tree a countless amount of times, and every time Rey watched their Starshine tumble through the grass, she’d picture him there, real as could be with the wind in his hair and the sun on his face. 

It wasn’t always easy. 

There were nights when the grief that normally came and went like waves on the shore suddenly pummeled her like a tidal wave, wringing her out to dry from the inside out. She’d wake up fresh from living a delirious dream, excited to roll over and tell him, but when she did, it was only emptiness beside her. Her darkness consumed her. 

She had to imagine that Heaven was real - that he was Home and safe and at peace. In her darkest moments, she began to wonder if the Maker was up there…if he was, what in the hell was he doing?

At night, when she was desperate to sleep, the devil would rage inside her mind. Would there ever be a moment when it all made sense and she wasn’t angry anymore? Their last goodbye echoed in her ears over and over…they had so much of their lives left to live. It didn’t feel like the end, so how could it have been?

Rey tried to understand, she tried to make sense of it. There were times she tearfully blamed him for leaving them behind and going off on his next adventure before it was time. What was she supposed to do without him in the meantime?

There were plenty of men for her to choose from as time went by. She didn’t suffer for good prospects, but she couldn’t lie to herself and pretend that they were enough. She saw Ben during the daytime, and heard his unmistakable voice at night…a poor imitation of him that always lingered in the back her mind.

There were nights that her loneliness started to dangerously consume her - when she’d cry into her pillow and wish that she could just whisper _amen_ and fall asleep to wake up where he said he would be waiting for her.

As the time trickled by, Rey’s skin became leathered and worn with the sun, and the deep chestnut of her hair faded to a deep silver. Her face had withered with time. but the freckles remained and her eyes still shone with the brilliance of the first morning light. They reflected the warmth and love of the summer sun, and she would reach out her hand to help those who were losing themselves to their own shadows. 

She was old now, older than she ever thought she’d be, sitting on the same back porch that she’d been on for an entire blessed lifetime. Bennette had grown up and found her own love, growing their family with each beautiful baby. Rey had enjoyed being a grandma, running and playing with them under the country sky. 

Ben was there, like he always was…showing up in all the same places for her to watch him in the alternate little world she had created while she waited for him. She saw him when they’d pile into the silver and blue truck - that had miraculously outlived nearly everyone in the Solo family - and drove out to that field on the edge of town. 

She had tried, but had never been able to move on. Ben’s to her core, Rey always knew that there would never be anyone else but him. 

Happily perched with her feet swinging over the edge of the tailgate while she watched her family grow, happily imagining Ben there with them, strings of salt to the pepper in his hair as he held her to his chest and they slow danced barefoot in the late summer sun. 

Back on her porch, older still with a yard full of great-grandchildren, Rey sat with a little baby tucked into her lap. She nuzzled the tuft of black hair on little Ben’s head as she whispered in her voice that had changed drastically over time.

“It’s just you and me kiddo, we can’t keep up with them like we used to, can we?” Rey mused while she gently rocked him back and forth, while the pair of them watched the extraordinarily ordinary life unfold in front of them. When little Ben looked up to meet her eyes, Rey marveled that even after all this time, there he was, looking back at her through the eyes of an infant. 

The sun began to sink ever lower beyond the horizon, and little by little, every car loaded up with her loved ones and disappeared down the end of their gravel driveway - and even a sleepy little Ben was removed from her tired, old arms. 

As one of the last cars pulled away, Bennette, all grown now, stepped up onto the porch to give her mother a goodbye. Rey lifted her gaze and smiled upon their daughter - who was the beautiful and statuesque image of her father through and through. Over time, her raven hair had glimmers of silver running through the waves, and the signs of a lifetime of laughter around her dark eyes.

Rey lifted a thin and wrinkled hand out to her, that Bennette immediately embraced with her own, to help her mother slowly rise from the rocking chair. As soon as she was steady on her own two feet, Rey wrapped her arms around their daughter and pulled her into a lingering hug, lowly murmuring while she stroked her hand over the younger woman’s dark hair.

“Have I ever told you how much you look like your daddy?” the old woman mused, giving her daughter a gentle hug. “So, so much. You were the only thing that made losing him remotely bearable. I thank the Maker for giving me the gift of you…it was like a piece of him was still here.”

“I still am, Mom…” Bennette softly laughed, pulling away to look down into her mother’s eyes, “He still is.”

Rey smiled, setting wrinkles folding on top of wrinkles as she lifted her hand to cup the ghost of summers past that lingered in the freckles on their daughter’s face.

“He wanted so much for you…so much. I know he would have given you the world.”

Bennette’s dark eyes glimmered as she tucked her frail and aging mother into her arms, letting her eyes flutter closed while she held onto the moment for as long as she could. With her cheek pressed against the salt and pepper of Rey’s hair, she whispered so softly that only her mother and the wind could hear.

“He did, Mama. I know it.”

Rey pulled her girl as close to her as she could, swirling soft circles on her back like she had when Bennette was just a little girl who needed her mother’s touch to fall asleep, letting the time slow down once more. It was as if her brain needed a photograph of this moment to hold dear to her heart for the rest of forever.

“I love you Starshine.”

Bennette looked at Rey curiously, creating a bend between her brows that was just like her mother’s, letting out a soft sigh before stepping down from the front porch to step across the gravel to her car. She opened the door and paused with her fingers curled around the edge.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? Do you need any help with anything, Mama?”

Rey smiled and shook her head, lifting a single hand to wave.

“Don’t you worry about me, I’ve never been better.”

With another wave and a sweet kiss blown into the wind, Rey watched as her car shrank on the horizon until it disappeared around the corner.

As she stepped inside the back door and into the kitchen, Rey’s eyes wandered from corner to corner, savoring each memory she saw there. Making cookies with Bennette, who was barely big enough to see over the counter…curling her raven hair to prepare her for a daddy daughter dance that Rey couldn’t bear if their little girl missed out on, so she dressed in her best suit and a tie and the pair of them danced the evening away…taking a thousand pictures on the night of her senior prom. 

All the memories lingered so strongly that it almost felt like she was reliving each one all over again. She knew that the strands of love would keep all of them together as time went by, and still, after all this time, all Rey had to do was reach out with her mind and there he was, patiently waiting for her, like always. She hoped that when it was her turn, that she had loved Bennette enough for the both of them, and that she would know what it took Rey far too long to figure out. Leaving didn’t mean that someone loves you less, it meant that they loved you all the more. 

After she had slowly climbed the stairs one by one with the ever-present ache in her aging bones, Rey padded into their bedroom, nearly the same as it had always been - with a bundle of red white and blue set lovingly on their dresser with a worn letter placed in front of it. 

She changed into a soft nightgown, walking to the bureau and gingerly picking up the folded flag…his flag… holding it to her heart as she walked to their bed. With it tucked firmly against her, Rey slid her tired bones between the sheets and settled her head on her pillow. 

As she laid there and waited for sleep to claim her, her entire life flashed through her mind on colorful carousel. Every thought, every happy memory, every ounce of love replayed behind her eyes as she started to drift away. Rey began to fall asleep like you always do, slowly…and then all at once, it covered her like a warm blanket and carried her away. 

When Rey opened her eyes again, the light was different than she remembered in the cozy confines of her bedroom. Rolling to her side to tuck herself into her blankets, she found the softest green grass beneath her fingertips. Fingertips that surely couldn’t belong to her…gone were the worn hands of an old women, instead the smooth hands of a young woman were visible. She noted that she was so much older than she felt in that moment, all of her aches and pains of growing old suddenly gone. 

Pressing her palms to the emerald grass beneath her, Rey sat up and felt a warm breeze fluttering her chestnut waves around her shoulders. She felt mystified while she tried to get her bearings, shifting her eyes across the horizon that stretched with a soft blue and pink glow of the early morning summer light. 

She was in a wide patch of grass, next to a glittering gravel road - a sweeping cornfield that seemed to stretch on for miles on end as far as she could see. The wind bent and moved every blade of grass, and set the world on fire with a sweet symphony of sound with every gentle gust. 

Eager to find out where and how she ended up where she was, Rey brought herself to her feet and began to wander down the length of the dirt road. She followed her feet step by step, letting the feeling of the warm wind kiss her face, idly wondering why the light hadn’t changed in the time she’d been walking. Everything became a little clearer when an all-too-familiar oak tree rose from the horizon. 

Rey drew closer to the tree, her steps slowing ever so slightly when she saw the man standing at the base of the trunk. Their eyes met and his face split into a wide smile, then her heart stopped all over again.

No one smiled like that but _him_. 

He was there, just as she had always imagined him to be…waiting for her at the foot of their tree. 

Rey let out a soft sigh when he lifted his wide palm out to her in the early morning light. She could scarcely believe it - until she slid her fingers into his hand and felt the warm feeling rush over her. He was here, and she was Home. 

Ben pulled her to him, circling his arms around her to nuzzle his long nose in her hair.

“I’ve missed you,” he rumbled, the sound of it so sweet to her ears - like the echo of thunder on a summer night. Rey burrowed her cheek against the warm flannel of his shirt and quietly whispered.

“I’m sorry I’m late…”

Ben pulled his arms from around her waist and lovingly tucked his fingers into her hair to lift her gaze to meet his.

“You’re right on time, Sweetheart. And I would have waited longer if I needed to,” a soft smile tugged at the corner of his plush mouth as he traced his thumb across the golden, freckled flesh of her cheek. Ben leaned down and gently pressed his lips against hers. Rey pulled away with a shaky, shallow breath, her eyes shining with unshed tears before tangling her fingers in the ebony waves of his hair, pulling him down into another searing kiss. It was everything that words could never be, full of a lifetime of love, and comforting in a way that Rey would never be able to describe. 

Ben pulled her to his chest and wrapped his arms around her. Tucked against his steady heartbeat, Rey smiled as they started to slowly sway back and forth in the early morning light. The feeling of the lean, hard muscle beneath her cheek, and the faint smell of cedar in his shirt was so familiar, encompassing every moment she’d imagined being in his arms again. 

There they stayed in their own private world, held together in the delicate bands of light that shone around them as they danced together into infinity. Rey knew she was Home…she was in Paradise. She had known that it would be him, it was always him. The thought of being with him again someday brought her breath when she couldn’t breathe, and unlocked doors inside her that she tried desperately to keep locked tight. After all this time, Ben had never left her mind - and now that they were together, she’d never leave his side. 

Heaven was real, and it was where they’d stay, ensconced in each other’s arms and kissed by the silken webs of dawn’s early light in the endless persimmon sky.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it to the end...thank you so much for reading!! If you’re in need of a fluffy bandaid to ease the ache, check out my piece, [Single Riders Only](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17861141). It’s Disney magic and the fluffiest fluff. 
> 
> As a mil spouse, I really poured myself into this one! Rey’s fears and habits were very similar to my own that I’ve experienced. While I was lucky enough to have my service member come home after each deployment, not every family was so lucky. If you want to know how you can help support real-life Gold Star families, check out American Gold Star Mothers and many other survivor support organizations you can find through Military.com.


End file.
